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| The language of lust! |
| Confused by tromboning? Let down by a Vincent? Company's Flic Everett gives a seminar in Sexology. Pay attention at the back... |
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AEROPLANE BLONDE
(Air-oplayn-blond) |
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A woman who hasn't dyed her pubic hair to match her head, and still has a 'black box'.
Use:'She's gorgeous, but Karl hinted she's an aeroplane blonde...'
Tip: If you want to do the full Marilyn Monroe-style matching collar and cuffs, get it done at
a salon - OK, it may be embarrassing, but it's
a whole lot better than melting your bits with a
nasty peroxide spillage.
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BON JOVI (Bonn-joh-vee) |
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When you're interrupted during sex - so you're
only 'halfway there'.
Use: 'And then my flatmate burst in. It was such
a bloody Bon Jovi.'
Tip: Lock the door. Failing that, if you're interrupted, recover by starting again from the beginning. You'll never recapture the pace otherwise, and irritation will ruin your eventual orgasm.
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BLENDED ORGASM (Blen-did-or-gaz-um) |
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An orgasm resulting from stimulation of your clitoris and vagina at the same time.
Use: 'I had the most fantastic blended orgasm last night. Dan was scraping me off the ceiling.'
Tip: He needs to rub your clitoris while he's inside you, so the best position is you on top.
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BOREGASM (Bor-gaz-um) |
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The orgasm he has when you're giving him a handjob, staring into space, and vice versa.
Use: 'We don't really have good sex any more,
just out-of-duty boregasms.'
Tip: Instead of taking it in turns, try mutual masturbation. If you find it hard to concentrate,
or you've already come, a vibrator on 'low' will offer enough of a buzz to keep you interested.
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BANGOVER (Bang-o-vah) |
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The exhausted aftermath of spending all
night having sex.
Use: 'I'm going straight home to bed, I've got the worst bangover from Tony last night...'
Tip: New-man sex is wildly exciting, but the key is to start early. If your session begins at 9pm, you'll be able to sleep, utterly sexed-out, by 2am. Start at midnight, and you won't get a wink.
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BLUE BALLS (Bloo-borlz) |
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The pain a man gets in his genital area when he's aroused to a peak of excitement, then the stimulation stops just before orgasm.
Use: 'Matt had to go to work with a real case of blue balls this morning.'
Tip: This is a cruel trick and will not endear you to him. But if you're running out of time for him to come, the quickest method is to lubricate your hand, grip him firmly, and rub as fast as you can.
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CRUISE CONTROL (Krooz-con-trohl) |
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The pleasant-but-dull sex you have when you're not making any effort.
Use: 'We were both exhausted last night, so we switched to cruise control.'
Tip: Make it more exciting by looking into each other's eyes; it's painless to do, but enhances intimacy for a dramatically intensified orgasm.
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CHOCOLATE CHA-CHA (Choklat-cha-cha) |
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Delightful term for anal sex.
Use: 'He really wanted to do the chocolate cha-cha, but I said no.'
Tip: If you go for it, make certain you've got more lubrication than you could ever imagine needing. He should begin very slowly, taking it at your pace. And if you’re using condoms, make sure they're 'extra safe' ones, which are thicker and safer for anal sex. Some women love it, some hate it, so don't feel pressurised.
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COCK BLOCK (Cok-blok) |
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When a man thinks he's guaranteed sex,
then you 'block' it at the last minute by refusing.
Use: 'He hadn't showered, so I had to do a last-minute cock block.'
Tip: If there's a reason you don't want sex,
go for polite honesty. Saying 'I'm really sorry,
I thought I was over my ex, but I don't think
I am', for instance, is better than letting him wonder what's wrong with him.
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DUTCH ((Dutch) |
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When he places his penis between your breasts and makes thrusting motions. Otherwise known as a 'tit wank'. Lovely.
Use: 'I let James have a Dutch last night.'
Tip: If you’re feeling a bit porn star (and you know he'll respect you in the morning), make all his dreams come true by licking the head as it bobs up, and using your elbows to push your boobs together. Demand whatever you want in return.
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